Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder in High-Achieving Adults

[Dear reader, I must begin by apologizing. In all likelihood you have clicked on this title in the hope of finding a detailed analysis of OCPD in computer programmers and physicians. What you will find instead is my own discovery of the far, moss-covered side of workaholism. In this and the next few posts I begin examining the problem as I have experienced it and begin working through some strategies for addressing the underlying problem, which--and this admission will spoil a future post--is something called an Adapted Child belief that I am worth nothing unless I do something spectacular. Or maybe it's a fear of letting go and letting whatever happens happen. This series is dedicated to my pursuit of understanding and, over the next few decades, resolving this dysfunction that for years I thought of as a talent.

Outline of Series:

1. Discovery of the problem as a problem (Below)

2. Checking off itemized list of DSM symptoms

3. Transactional Analysis of OCPD in My Writing Habits, Values, and Beliefs, and tentative path forward.

4. Understanding Obsessive CPD using Gestalt Therapy]

Discovery of the Problem as a Problem

I've just realized that I have an obsessive compulsive personality. The symptoms of OCPD have been responsible for my phd and most of my books and articles, as well as my personal records for racing everything from the mile to 50 miles.

I also trust I'm not alone. It's hard to look scornfully at something that has helped me accomplish so much. Indeed, it has taken 20 years for this bit of who I am to become a problem. But it finally has, and I suspect that it will take another 20 years to sort out.

My Compulsions

I tend to work at projects with blinders on—running, writing, and teaching in particular—without pausing to reflect on whether I’m still interested or if I am succeeding. But in the process I wind up doing extra and unnecessary work, exhausting myself, and eventually giving up, collapsing, or succeeding without joy. 

A perfect example of what I'm talking about happened to me two weekends ago in Pittsburgh. (It was so obvious in retrospect to see what I was doing. But I probably have been doing this for 15 years without thinking anything of it.)

I had planned on taking a public transit bus from downtown to the airport, but all the buses were being rerouted due to the Pittsburgh Marathon (which I couldn't run because I was injured from overtraining). I walked to and waited at about five stops, all of which eventually showed up on the transit app as “cancelled.” I wound up walking several miles—leaving downtown, crossing the river, and walking along the south bank towards the airport hoping to reach a point where the bus lines were reopened. I was tired, hot, and hungry, but I was committed to taking the bus, since I had already paid the $2.50 fare. I would probably have passed out somewhere along the highway if I didn’t finally order a ride (stubborn/dogged determination). Once I did, I was at the airport in 13 relaxed and air-conditioned minutes. I didn’t have to expend all that energy and time being frustrated, but to avoid it I had to stop and re-evaluate what my goal was and how I was going about accomplishing it.

I do this with teaching, too, and I do it with running and aerobic training. But for now I want to examine whether and how I do it with writing.

[You can follow along using pages 771-772 of DSM-5tr to catalog my symptoms as I describe them.]

First I get an idea to write about. I don't do anything with the idea. I just let it sit there. If it's still hanging around after six months, then I decide to start working on it. But once I go, I go. 

In 2019 I think it was, I began working on two books simultaneously. I worked at them without coming up for air. I’ve written 10-12 books this way, and most of them have been published. The others I decided didn't meet my standards to pursue for publication. 

I really wanted to figure out what was going on with these compulsions. So, like a good scientist, I started analyzing my practices. Below I examined my motivations. Later, I performed a structural analysis.

What are my Goals for Writing?

1. Self-discovery 
2. Fun
3. Money and Fame

I think my main goal for writing is to learn more about myself. By writing, I am forced to clarify what it is I am thinking, what I value, and what I believe. Writing is revealing. That’s what I’m doing with this sort of blog post: clarifying my position on a matter by writing about it.

I occasionally enjoy writing because it’s fun. I like to think about a bizarre or ridiculous topic or problem, and then create a scenario that blows it further out of proportion to show its inanity. I write satires or essays about the issue that lay bare my perspective. It’s great fun, and it helps me avoid taking myself too seriously.

Finally, I am motivated by money and fame. I know that these extrinsic goals make poor motivators just as I know that these goals are likely out of reach—still, they are responsible for my persistence.

Insight

The underlined phrase surprised me. I initially tried to hide this motivation by writing, instead, “they are partially responsible…”, but that wasn’t true. I write compulsively because I believe that becoming famous (and making lots of money) as a writer is like digging a hole down to water: you just have to keep at it until you get there. Some people don’t have to dig very far and others have to dig a long ways, but it’s always down there. This belief stems from my understanding of the Pareto Principle.

The Pareto Principle states that 80% of success (or failure, or any measure, really) comes from 20% of work. In my professional life, at least 80% of my citations come from about 5% of my articles and books, and nearly all of my royalties come from one book. Therefore—and here’s where my belief comes in—I have to increase my total work output so that the 20% target can be bigger. 

And so, I put my head down and muscle through the work, churning out chapters and chapters of books that lack direction and purpose.

Solution

My beliefs about writing will need to be examined in more depth, but I can say from the outset that the most troubling problem is my motivation for money and fame, since it is at the heart of my compulsive writing behavior. There's some magical belief mixed together with a lot of stubbornness. But all of this can be avoided if I focus on writing for self-discovery and fun.